Action Words, Plot Hints And Cheese – Ranking The Star Wars Episode Titles From Best To Worst

It’s no secret that I spend a lot of time thinking about movie titles. It’s also no secret that I spend a lot of time thinking about Star Wars.

So it’s not going to come as much of a shock when I say that after the recent announcement that Star Wars – Episode VIII is called The Last Jedi, I found myself spending a frankly embarrassing amount of time considering what makes a good Star Wars title, and that before too long, I had ranked all eight episode titles from best to worst.

So what makes a great Star Wars title? A few of things, actually.

Firstly, I think a good moniker for films set in a galaxy far, far away should suggest a sense of action – the idea that either our heroes or the bad guys are about to do something really exciting.

Secondly, the name should at least hint at the plot of the episode itself. It sounds obvious, but as you’ll notice below, at least one of the films on this list fails this basic test.

Lastly, it’s crucial for a Star Wars flick to have a title that embraces the hyperbolic, 1930s Saturday matinee vibe that inspired both the iconic yellow crawl and “episode” structure in the first place. In short, a good Star Wars title should be a little bit corny.

With these criteria in mind, here’s how the rankings stacked up.

8. A New Hope

Enjoy the moment guys: You won’t be winning any medals for this title

As most fans already know, the movie that started it all originally began life without a subtitle, known only Star Wars upon its initial release. It wasn’t until the film was re-released in cinemas that series creator George Lucas added Episode IV: A New Hope to the opening crawl, in order to keep continuity with sequel The Empire Strikes Back, released as Episode V”.

All that said, A New Hope is a fairly bland title. It sounds pleasant enough, but there’s nothing too energetic about it, no sense of great adventure across the stars, which is disappointing given how much of a thrill ride the actual movie is.

It also doesn’t really tie-in too closely with the film’s narrative either, although it at least gets credit for linking in with the wider Star Wars saga overall (spoiler: Luke is the new hope of the title, following his father’s fall to the Dark Side in Revenge of the Sith).

Maybe most disappointing of all, there’s no real bombast to A New Hope, nothing completely OTT or old school in the Flash Gordon tradition, which means that all in all, this is the most lifeless of the Star Wars titles.

7. The Last Jedi

You’d look as sad as Luke too, if you thought Episode VIII’s title meant you were going to die

Admittedly, it’s probably a bit premature (not to mention unfair) to judge the title of Rian Johnson’s upcoming follow up to The Force Awakens, especially given how little we know about the film’s story.

That said, taken on face value, The Last Jedi isn’t exactly the most electrifying header. True, there’s a certain sense of pathos in how it evokes the sense of the sole remaining Jedi alone in the galaxy, but similarly to A New Hope, it’s more of a reflective tone poem than a dynamic heading.

As to whether the title ties into actual plot of the film, it seems pretty likely that The Last Jedi will almost certainly do just that.

Whether – as comments by Johnson would suggest – the title refers to Luke Skywalker (currently quite literally the last Jedi going), or to his new student Rey (which suggests – gasp! – Luke might die before the end!) or even both (given the plural of “Jedi” is, well, “Jedi”) it seems clear that The Last Jedi will prove an apt title, if not an overly thrilling one.

Then there’s the cheese factor, and here, The Last Jedi earns a pass, if not a particularly glowing one. There’s a vaguely vintage vibe to Episode VIII’s moniker, and its absolute nature – seriously, you guys: there are NO other Jedi left – does lend it a touch of the extreme.

Taking all these factors into consideration, you’re left with a solid enough Star Wars title, albeit not an overly memorable one.

6. The Phantom Menace

“Ok, I got you guys together because we need to brainstorm a better title!”

That noise you hear – as if a million voices cried out in disgust, and were suddenly silent – is the sound of all the die hard fans reacting to the mere mention of The Phantom Menace, the first episode in the much-maligned Prequel Trilogy, not to mention the entire Saga as well.

As with Episode I itself, this title is better than its detractors will admit, but is unavoidably a let down. As with the last two entries on this list, The Phantom Menace suffers from the absence of any action in its phrasing, resulting in a fairly stagnant header.

Still, it does manage to perfectly encapsulate the REAL plot of the film – not a boring squabble over trade routes between a nasty corporation and a backwater planet suspiciously similar to Caserta, Italy, but rather the sneaky behind-the-scenes machinations of the evil Sith Order, who plot in the shadows whilst the Jedi and Republic remain completely clueless to the threat they pose.

The Phantom Menace label is also suitably retro-tastic – you can totally picture it appearing on the title card of a black and white sci-fi serial – and it exudes a somewhat sinister sentiment, so (again, much like Episode I itself) there’s a surprising amount to like about this one.

5. The Force Awakens

Rey and BB-8 searched everywhere for a better title

Finally, a verb! J.J. Abrams’ hugely successful relaunch of the Star Wars franchise might not have gotten everything right, but at least The Force Awakens brought with it a title promising that something was going to happen.

True, as action words go, “awakens” isn’t quite the most stimulating example available, but it at least gives the impression of a propulsive narrative where the Force itself will reignite throughout the galaxy.

The Force Awakens sub-header also accurately sums up the plot of the film, as the arrival of Rey – along with the ongoing activities of no goodniks Kylo Ren and Supreme Leader Snoke, and the return of Luke Skywalker – surely represents an out-and-out wake up call for the partially slumbering mystical energy field the binds the Star Wars galaxy together.

On the downside, The Force Awakens isn’t a very OTT name, and whilst it wouldn’t look out of place fronting up a 1930s matinee feature, it would have been nice to see Episode VII’s label sprinkled with a smidgen more cheddar.

4. Revenge of the Sith

Flash those scary eyes all you want: this title still didn’t make the Top 3

“Ah, that’s more like it!” That’s not just what a lot of fans had to say when they walked out of Revenge of the Sith – generally the best received of the Prequels – but also my response upon reaching this stage of the list.

As verbs go, “Revenge” is a nice a meaty one, less about ominous overtones and more about outright acts of vengeance being committed by the less friendly practitioners of the Force.

Moreover, the Revenge of the Sith title is a spot-on match for the events of Episode III: the Sith Order – in the form of the evil Emperor Palpatine and some guy called Darth Vader (you may have heard of him) – finally pull the trigger on their plot to bring the Republic to its knees, exacting payback on their Jedi enemies in the process.

Revenge of the Sith also snags top marks for having a delightfully OTT title, although it loses a few solely for the fact that more casual fans probably aren’t entirely sure who or what the Sith actually are.

It also notches up bonus credit for being a reference to the original title for Return of the Jedi, which was originally titled Revenge of the Jedi, until an eleventh hour change by Lucas (once he realised that retribution wasn’t really something a true Jedi would aspire to).

3. Attack of the Clones

“Psst! I secretly love this title!” “Me too!”

Hoo-boy…this is going to be an unpopular choice. Calling Episode II a polarising Star Wars movie is akin to describing Jabba the Hutt as “somewhat heavyset”, and this extends to its title, which plenty of fans seem to hate due to its unabashed corniness.

But the fact remains that the Attack of the Clones masthead contains undoubtedly the most action-packed “doing word” on this list, immediately getting across the concept that a major battle – involving at least two or more doppelgängers – is on the very immediate horizon.

Attack of the Clones also broadly does what it says on the tin: there’s clones in the movie, and they attack (although granted, it’s a slightly misleading handle, as it kinda gives the impression that the proto-stormtroopers will be be going up against our heroes, not fighting by their side).

But most of all, the Attack of the Clones title is next-level bombastic, so much so that I’m almost certain there’s an old serial out there with the same title. Indeed, its cornier than a grail silo, cheesier than a fromagerie, but – unlike so many of the other instances of goofiness in the Prequels – it’s full of fun, old school charm that really works.

2. Return of the Jedi

Han was pretty OK with a Top 3 finish for this one

As discussed, Return of the Jedi came THIS close to being called Revenge of the Jedi, and if “return” is a bit of downgrade from “revenge”, I still defy anyone not to feel at least a little bit of excitement when they hear it (if there’s anything more hype-worthy than one or more Jedi returning, I’d love to know what it is).

Episode VI’s header also gets props for reflecting the plot of the film on several levels. Obviously, it refers most directly to the return of Jedi-in-training Luke Skywalker for yet another adventure, but it also hints at the redemption of Darth Vader (and thus the return of Anakin Skywalker), as well as the potential return of the Jedi Order itself under Luke’s guidance.

Granted, the title is only solidly retro – it’s as much a generic Hollywood sequel title as it is a matinee throwback – but still, Return of the Jedi manages to tick all the boxes, with particular kudos for the aforementioned layered aspect to the name.

1. The Empire Strikes Back

Darth Vader, shown here about to accept the Best Title award

Unsurprisingly, the perfect Star Wars movie has the perfect title. Not only does The Empire Strikes Back meet all three criteria, it does so with gusto.

In terms of action-packed titles, it’s hard to get much more active than when you’re striking back, so that’s a massive nod in Episode V’s favour up front.

Even more impressively, The Empire Strikes Back label not only succinctly spells out the basic plot of the flick – the Empire has the Rebels on the run – it also makes it very clear that that this is going to be a darker outing in a tonal and thematic sense than its predecessor. If the first Star Wars was about resurgent hope and (implicitly) our heroes, The Empire Strikes Back moniker leaves no doubt that this is villainy’s time to shine.

Best of all, The Empire Strikes Back title perfectly evokes the vintage of feel of a matinee serial whilst still also managing to come off sounding effortlessly cool at the same time – it’s hyperbolic to the nth degree, yet it pitches itself just shy of outright cheesiness so that even the most straight-laced fan can dig it.

And that’s why – when it comes to Star Wars episode titles – The Empire Strikes Back ranks number one.

That’s it from me – now it’s your turn! Agree? Disagree?

Let me know in the comments below or on Twitter or Facebook!

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